Thursday, January 22, 2015


Angry Letter
Dear Burger King,

I have put up with this for too long now and I need to bring it up to you. When I go to the Cape, I usually stop at the Burger King in Dennis and I always go through the drive-thru. I always order a Whopper and a cheeseburger. But, I never get the cheeseburger. I have gone there probably about seven times and not once have I got the cheeseburger I asked for. I still paid for the cheeseburger, but it’s not there. What if there was a dying child in my back seat that was starving and needed a cheeseburger to live? You could have killed that small child by not giving me that cheeseburger. Luckily, it was just for me and I already was going to eat the Whopper, but I still want the cheeseburger. You have charged me for seven cheeseburgers that never even got to me. Maybe next time I will just stop at Chipotle first so I don’t have to deal with your awful service. I have never, never had a problem there, plus I get I can get way better food for even cheaper. Not only do I never get my cheeseburger, you also have been out of straws for my drink, and have set the grill on fire so I have to get chicken instead. You need to step up your service soon or you’re going to lose a very frequent consumer.  I depend on Burger King for at least one meal a day. Sometimes I will go out to a different restaurant but each visit I go at least three times. I get it on my way down, at least for one meal during my visit, then on my way home. Sometimes all I want is just a nice whopper and fries with another burger to end my meal. Your whoppers aren't that big so I need to get that extra burger to fulfill my hunger. I ended up ordering an Oreo shake last time I went instead of the burger. But don’t think I won’t want my burger next year. I will back next summer to see how you have improved. You better impress me.

Angry Customer,
Cape Resident


There once was a lone giraffe named Mike. Mike loved three things; golf, soccer, and sailing. He was determined that he would be the first giraffe to win the masters. His favorite golfer, Bubba Watson, said that if any animal could win a golf tournament it would be a giraffe due to their long necks. But, when he went out for the team he got beat out by the team’s best player, Adam Lesiw, he knew that golf was just a human sport. It was then that he decided that he should move on to soccer.  He knew that his long legs would help him quickly sprint down the pitch. He also could win every header since he has so tall. He thought that he was the next Andy Carroll after he destroyed the Premier League with so many headers. But, when he moved onto soccer he was shut down again. The team’s best player, Clint Rossi, out ran and out skilled him. He was constantly getting megged and Clint could easily could around him. All he had to do was keep the ball on the ground and Mike was hopeless. It was so embarrassing for Mike that coach Greene told him that he should try a different sport. So, there was one last thing Mike liked to do, sail. The school had recently won the giraffe sailing league so he knew it was a good time to try out. He went out to the tryouts and asked the coach, Mr. Smith, if he could try out. He said on one condition he could. He had to beat Jordan Lach, the senior captain, worst freshman time. Mike, the having stayed back three times as a sophomore, never being able to pass Algebra 2, decided to do this. He ended up putting the sail up wrong and crashed the boat into Justin Johnson’s yacht that he bought after winning the bocce world championship. So he went home to find his sister, Hannah, had just set the world record for fastest sailing time around the world. Their whole family was disappointed in him because all of his family members were captains of their high school sailing team. Mike being furious went out for a sport he could not get cut from, track. So in the spring he tried out for track and was told he was running a 200 meter race. But, at the first practice he broke his hoof. He was never able to recover from his injury. So the next year he followed in the footsteps of the legendary high school manager, Jake Pereira, and was the manager for his school. After finishing the season without a win, Mike went on a boat and sailed into the abyss never to be seen again.

Short Short Story

Once upon a time there lived a brave and heroic corndog named Cornelius. Cornelius was one of several children in the Corndoggia family. His siblings included Corny, Corilla, Cornaya, Corderoy, Cornecopia, Corya & Cabbage. Cornelius, being the eldest of the children, was usually the one that had to settle arguments between his siblings. Cabbage was the youngest and he was hated by all of his brothers and sisters. Even Cornelius being the loving corndog he was, despised Cabbage. Cabbage’s parents even loathed him. But, Cabbage was okay with his parents hatred towards him because the feeling was quite mutual. Afterall, who the heck names a corndog Cabbage? He wanted to change his name his whole life but his parents would not let him.
So one day when Cabbage was walking home from school a group of real cabbages called the Cabbagians called him over. Cabbagians were the Corndoggians worst nightmare, their greatest fear and their biggest rival. The Cabbagians were green, lean, leafy & worst of all...healthy. It disgusted all corndogs, that is all the corndogs except for Cabbage. The Cabbagians convinced Cabbage to join the and help them with their evil plot. Cabbage decided to leave the city San Dogo. After a few weeks of being gone Corderoy finally noticed that he was missing. His parents immediately started to feel guilty. How could have they gone weeks without noticing that one of their kids was missing? They regretted hating on him his whole life and now were stressing out trying to find him. They contacted the local police who put out a missing persons report. After a week of searching they could not find him. The police told the Corndoggias that they had reports that he went off with the Cabbagians. They knew that Cabbage would go off with them because his name sounded more like Cabbagian than than Corndoggia. All of the rest of their children’s names sounded like Condoggia except for him. Cabbage probably thought that they wanted him to join them even though they hated Cabaggians because they hated him too.
While all of this was going on, Cabbage was helping with the plot to kidnap all corndogs and take over the world with his fellow Cabbagians. When they were trying to come up with a date to commence their plot, Cabbage remembered national corndog day was March 15. This was perfect, all the corndogs would be celebrating out in the city streets. They could surrounded the city and not let anyone in or out. They would then cut all power to the city and force the people to stay outside. Then they would send troops in to kidnap the corndogs and take over the world. Luckily, Cornelius almost joined the Cabbagians when he was younger and he knew their headquarters were. So Cornelius went to headquarters the Cabbagians that he wanted to join them. When they told Cornelius he had to stay there until the plot, he was concerned that he would not be able to warn the other corndogs about the attacks. He convinced the Cabbagians to let him go home to get his clothes and belongings. So Cornelius went home and told his family and the city about what happened. The whole city decided to flee to their allies the nachos. Nacho city was only a 20 minute drive from  San Dogo. So the whole city packed up what they needed to live for about a week and headed to Nacho City’s biggest hotel Nacho Nacho. As the City headed there, Cornelius headed back to the Cabbagians headquarters.
       On March 15 the Cabbagians headed to San Dogo. When they got there they realized that no one was in the city. They needed to finish this attack or their master, Lord Cabbage, would kill them. They ran all around, trying to find just one corndog to bring back to the head to headquarters. They knew that one wouldn’t be good enough either. They needed to wipe out the whole city.
       They decided that they would stay for a week and if no one came back before then, they would tell Lord Cabbage that the city was abandoned. Not everyone made it through this tough week. It was winter and everyone knows how bad the winters are in San Dogo. They lost about half of their soldiers halfway through the week so they decided to hold a meeting. It was determined that they would leave in the morning if the weather was good. They woke up to the biggest snowstorm they had ever seen. This storm was very bad, but they just wanted to get home. After getting frustrated the Cabbagians headed back to the headquarters and gave up. Cornelius then told everyone at the Nacho Nacho the good news and they could all head home. About a week later Cabbage returned home and everyone was happy. His parents and siblings promised that they would be nicer to him for now and that they would be a happy corndog family.

Modest proposal (satire)

One problem in this country has been getting worse and worse every year. Everyone hates it, but no one stops it. This problem needs to be addressed. The problem of Christmas decorations and commercials too early. There’s commercials starting in September now for Christmas. I think a way to slow down Christmas would be to get rid of Halloween. The average American spends $77.52 for Halloween between candy and costumes. Thats $2.2 billion total. We could save this money and put it towards better things. With saving this money and eliminating the holiday, Christmas would die down quicker. This money could be put towards the elimination of the Christmas Laws violators. Then the average family spends $700 every Christmas totaling $465 billion.  You can buy Christmas decorations on the same visit as you buy your Halloween candy. We need to do something about this and I have the perfect idea.
There should be laws for this. No commercials or decorations before December 1st. Anyone who violates these laws will be publicly executed on Christmas morning in the town center. There will be beheadings for everyone who violates it. This would end everything really fast. All the families would have to sit front row to watch. No one would want to die on Christmas so everything would come to an end. No more overdoing it and just the perfect amount of time. October for Halloween, November for Thanksgiving, and December for Christmas.The amount of money that people spend candy for Halloween, food for Thanksgiving, and decorations is insane. If we could cut the spending in half Christmas wouldn’t get as much hype. Less presents would make it more what the holidays are about, being with people you love. If we cut down on the spending every year eventually there could be around three or four small presents per kid per year. This would make everyone happy and Christmas would be more exciting.